


[This Isn't] What You Wanted

by DoctorsOrders



Series: Our Masterpiece is Self-Destruction [1]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Academy Era, Angst, Bad Decisions, Crying, Declarations Of Love, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Forgiveness, Hurt/Comfort, Infidelity, M/M, Mildly Dubious Consent, Multi, Not Between the Main Paring, Not the main pairing, Self-Destructive Tendencies, Self-Hatred, Starfleet Academy, Threesome - F/M/M, not explicit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-14
Updated: 2014-07-14
Packaged: 2018-02-08 19:21:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1953090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoctorsOrders/pseuds/DoctorsOrders
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's not so much that "I love you" comes too early in their relationship, but that it comes at all.<br/>Jim doesn't quite know what to do with an open admission of love so he decides to fuck things up before he's in too deep, unfortunately he already is, and what he does hurts him and Bones more than he planned.</p>
            </blockquote>





	[This Isn't] What You Wanted

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not entirely sure what spawned this, I just know I wanted to write some sad, emotionally self-destructive Jim.  
> This was just going to be drabble-ish, but suddenly it was a whole fic...
> 
> Also, not explicitly stated, but it's their second year at the academy and they've been exclusively together for six months.
> 
>  
> 
> Unbeta'd.  
> Disclaimer: I own nothing with a copyright and I make no money off of this, yada yada, you know the drill.

Jim would have never said it if he’d known Bones was awake. 

 

Actually, the only reason he’d said it at all was because he’d been positive Bones was asleep, because Jim wasn’t really ready to say it yet. He’d woken up around four in morning, made his way to the bathroom, watching the fog dance outside the window before he’d crawled back into bed. The fading moon peered though the window, sliding across the profile of the sleeping man next to him. Jim had whispered, hesitantly, really the first time he’d admitted to himself even, “I think I might love you…”

 

He’d almost jumped out of his skin when he’d heard the soft reply, “I love you too darlin’.” 

 

And when Bones’ arms closed around him they suddenly felt too tight, like a prison. Jim had stayed wrapped in Bones’ arms, trying to calm his panicked breathing. He’d managed not to rip himself from the bed, but not to fall back asleep. 

 

Jim hadn’t been ready to open up that much just yet. Suddenly, there’d been all this pressure, because Bones loved him too. He was going to fuck this up, and it was going to hurt so much more when he did. 

 

—

 

Jim knew it had been a mistake, but that was kind of the point.

 

He laid sprawled out on his back, staring at the ceiling, in an unfamiliar room contemplating what he’d just done.

 

Finger tips traced across his back, they felt like knives now that it was over, his chest throbbed with regret, and his ass just throbbed. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to throw up or pass out. More than likely, both. 

 

Maybe if he just closed his eyes he could just pretend like this wasn’t happening.

 

The bathroom door swung open, and an all too real weight dropped down on the bed, Jim steeled himself for the words that followed. “Listen, that was really fun, and I don’t mean to be rude but—“

 

“Yeah, no sorry, I’m going,” he muttered awkwardly, wincing as he climbed around the woman laying next to him and off the bed. 

 

“Alex, you _are_ being rude!,” the woman chastised, “I don’t mind if you stay.” She playfully ran her hand down his chest, “we could go again.”

 

The man, Alex apparently, threw him a look that he was sure meant he was absolutely _not_ welcome to stay—and certainly not to go another round. Jim forced a smirk that he hoped was coy, despite the bile rising in his throat, and shook his head. 

 

He made it outside, clutching his shoes and jacket in his arms, before he retched into the bushes. God, he hated himself. 

 

—

 

Despite it being close to two in the morning, he’d only had to buzz Gaila’s room once before she let him in. He couldn’t face Bones right now, but he certainly didn’t want to be alone. 

 

“What’s wrong sweetie?” she said after taking one look at him. Then she’d wrinkled her nose, “You smell like…,” and when she took another breath her eyes widened. “Jim are you okay?”

 

Jim’s head fell to her shoulder without a word. She sat them down, just holding him for a few long moments before she said, “Listen, we can talk about it, or we can just sit like this the rest of the night, but you have to take a shower first because all these pheromones are driving me crazy. Okay?” 

 

Jim nodded weakly and let Gaila steer him to the shower. He didn’t even bother with the water, just letting the sonics scrape him clean. Gaila—lacking in menswear—ushered him into her bathrobe when he came out. 

 

She propped herself against the headboard and Jim laid his head on her lap. For a while, she simply stroked his hair, and hummed an unfamiliar tune, scrolling absently on her PADD with her free hand. Finally, Jim said, “I fucked up Gaila. Literally.” 

 

“I know sweetie.”

 

“I fucked two people, just to prove what an ass I am. Well, actually,” he laughed bitterly, “I got fucked while I fucked another person. I feel disgusting, like I need sonics for my insides. I didn’t even like it while we were fucking, I wish I’d made them stop.”

 

Gaila was quiet for a second too long for Jim’s liking, “Why’d you do it?”

 

“I don’t know,” Jim whispered, “I just want to take it back.” He looked up at her for a moment before he said weakly, “I love him Gaila, I fucking _love_ him, and now he’s gonna hate me.”

 

“He’s not going to hate you Jim.”

  
  
“I think I’m gonna be sick,” Jim choked out, just before he started to dry-heave. 

 

—

 

When Jim woke up it was morning. He slipped out of Gaila’s robe back into his clothes, the slight noise waking her. 

 

“You’re gonna be alright sweetie,” she promised, kissing his brow. 

 

“Thanks for letting me stay last night.”

  
  
“Any time.”

 

—

 

He felt cold despite the warm mid-morning sun on his back as he walked back to Bones’ apartment. He didn’t know if he was hoping Bones would be home or not. He wasn’t sure he could stand to be there by himself, but he was dreading the confrontation. 

 

He felt like he was sneaking around, even though he all but lived here these days, willing the door to swish open more quietly than he knew it would. He could still taste the bile in his throat, so he headed for the kitchen, only to be confronted with Bones sitting at the table with his PADD and a cup of coffee. Bones’ eyes flitted to him briefly before he went back to what he’d been reading.

 

He didn’t say anything as Jim brushed past him for a glass of water. Bones waited until Jim had downed the entire thing before he said, “Well, it’s good to see you’re not dead.”

 

“Why would I be dead, Bones?” Yeah, that was perfect, that was exactly how he’d wanted to start this conversion, with childish indignation. 

 

“Can only think of two reasons you wouldn’t Comm me back, and one of them involved you being dead,” Bones said, his voice was utterly toneless as he looked up, “No one knew where you were. I checked the hospital you know? ‘Fleet and the one downtown, just in case.” Jim would almost think he sounded bored there had been more of a twang to his words. 

 

Jim swallowed, ignoring how that twisted at his insides, “Yeah? What was the other possibility?” he pressed instead.

 

“Come on Jim, just because I’m not the one with the genius level IQ doesn’t mean I’m a damn fool.” He didn’t sound particularly mad either, there was always yelling when Bones was mad. But this? This was different, it was making Jim’s skin crawl. It was all hurt.

 

Jim deserved it, after all, he’d done it specifically to hurt Bones, to push him away before Jim got to close. But it was too late for that, and he was sure he’d never regret anything more in his life. 

 

“You should’ve just told me we were done…you didn’t—,” Bones’ grip tightened on his coffee cup, “you didn’t have to do it like this.”

 

Jim’s stomach currently rested somewhere around his ankles. “No, Bones, we’re not…I don’t want us to be over,” his face paled as he whispered desperately. 

 

“Could’ve fooled me, kid,” he shook his head and steeled himself and stood up.

 

“Wait, wait no, Bones!,” Jim said franticly, an new, horrible feeling rushing through his body, grabbing his arm, “Are _you_ saying we’re done?”

 

Bones’ eyes were fixed to the floor, his jaw clenched so tightly Jim could practically hear his teeth cracking. “I’m real confused right now Jim—beyond tired—I don’t wanna stay something out of spite that I’ll regret later,” he said, his careful facade breaking. 

 

Jim slid his hand down to grasp Bones’ fingers, it was an unconscious gesture, but Bones flinched away from it immediately. “Don’t. Just don’t,” Bones dropped back into his chair and pointedly looked anywhere but Jim.

 

Jim stood frozen, he stared at the slumped form in front of him. He’d honestly been expecting to be yelled at, reprimanded, and he could have taken that, he was used to anger. But this…this quiet pain, this being pushed away, this was so much worse. “Bones,” he whispered, panic creeping into his tone, “Let me explain, _please_.”

 

Bones spat out a bitter laugh, “Joce said the same thing before she took me for all I was worth, ‘cept she certainly didn’t say ‘please’.” He said nothing else and the tense silence stretched into minutes. 

 

“Do you want me to leave?” Jim’s voice was raw, smaller than he’d heard himself in a long time. It was the very last thing he wanted to do.

 

Bones caught his eye, and for an instant Jim thought he was going to say yes. Instead Bones pinched the bridge of his nose and let out a long, heavy sigh, “No.” 

 

“No? As in, I can stay?”

 

“As in, you can fucking explain yourself Jim.”

 

Jim let out the breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding and dropped to the floor in front of him. “I love you Bones. I fucking love you.”

 

Bones tried, and failed, to hold back a frustrated bark of laughter. It was not a nice sound. “Unbelievable.” He dragged his hand across his face before shaking his head, “Try to make me understand how that works.”

 

Jim flinched, gripping at Bones’ knees, unclear if he was trying to steady himself or keep Bones in place. The words came tumbling out before he even knew what he was going to say, he just had to make Bones understand. “Life takes away everything important to me, or I fuck it up myself. Either way, everything comes crashing down around me, and I just have to keep going and pretend like I’m not fucking _dying_ inside.” Jim was silent for a moment before continuing in an unsteady voice, “If I fuck it up first then…then I win. Cut and run before I’m in too deep, you know?

 

“The other night, when you said it back, I just—I didn’t know what the hell to do. So I decided to wreck it now, before anything else…” Jim had been gradually receding from Bones, curling in on himself, eyes fixed on the floor. He didn’t notice Bones’ posture slowly opening up.

 

“It was all wrong,” Jim sucked in a ragged breath, “I didn’t even want to go through with it—fucking did though—I hate myself for doing it.” His eyes were burning with tears he couldn’t believe how raw he felt, or how much more it was going to hurt when Bones threw him aside, “Can’t fucking lose you Bones. I don’t deserve you, I never fucking did. I certainly don’t _now_ , but it was just a matter of time until you realized I’m damned, I’m fucking _garbage…_ it’s better you know now.

 

“And I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry that I did this to you. You don’t deserve to have me fuck up your life too.” Jim had backed so far away from Bones he was practically under the table. He fell silent, hugging his legs to his chest, face buried in his knees, he felt empty and incredibly defeated.

 

He’d never had the need to apologize before, never had anything he’d wanted badly enough that it was worth staying for. He wouldn’t blame Bones if he up and left, Jim had done it so many times himself, but he wished for a undeserved second chance anyway. 

 

Bones slid out of his chair and crawled up in front of Jim’s quivering body. He cradled Jim’s face in his hands. “You are _not_ _garbage,_ ” he said softly. 

 

Jim started to shake his head—that wasn’t the point of saying that to Bones, he was—but Bones moved his hands to Jim’s neck, carding his fingers through Jim’s short hair. “You’re _not_ ,” he insisted quietly, “I don’t know who told you otherwise, or who the fuck they think they are, but if I find them they’ll need another doctor when I’m done with them.

 

“Jim, you make me mad as hell sometimes, and you’ve put my heart through the wringer, but I still love you. I don’t think you’re damned, and darlin’, I _don’t_ think you’re broken, just hurting. Now, they didn’t teach it med school, but I’d like to try an’ fix that.”

 

The tears Jim had been keeping at bay spilled over and Bones eased Jim into his arms. Jim sobbed against him for a moment before pulling away; it was too much, he didn’t deserve sympathy, not when he was as fucked up as he knew he was. “You s-shouldn’t have’ta p-put up with m-me like t-t-this. I f-fucked up B-bones,” he wiped his nose across the back of his hand. 

 

“You did Jim, but I can still love you. You made a mistake, god knows you’re not the first.” Bones pulled him back against his chest, “I won’t lie and say I’m not a little hurt, I am Jim, but, after what you said—if you really feel like that—if you’ve been carrying all that around, darlin’…”

 

Jim nosed his way against Bones’ neck, tears letting up. “I’m really shit Bones. This is a no-win scenario, I’m just going to fuck up again, and if you don’t leave me the next time, it’ll be the time after that.”

  
  
“Jim Kirk doesn’t believe in no-win scenarios.”

  
  
“He wasn’t ever talking about himself when he said that…plus he’s a fucking asshole.”

 

Bones pressed his lips to Jim’s ear and said firmly, “You are important Jim, you matter. You matter to me.” 

 

Jim’s body shuddered as let out a heavy breath. Every word Bones had said to him was hitting so close to home, in such a caring way, Jim hadn’t felt that way in years, maybe ever, “I don’t deserve you Bones.” 

 

“You’re gettin’ me whether you think you deserve me or not, because I love you darlin’.” 

 

Jim pulled back enough to look at Bones—face still ruddy from tears—searching for truth in his eyes, “I don’t think anyone’s ever said that to me and meant it,” he said finally.

 

“Well I mean it. An’ that’s why last night hurt so bad, Jim, that’s why I was so upset, because I can’t just turn it off…can’t just stop lovin’ you even if you’re gone.” 

 

He was such an ass. He squeezed Bones’ hand almost too hard, “I’m so sorry Bones,” he said softly. “I’m sorry I did that to you, I’m sorry I did it at all. I just—” 

 

A gentle kiss was pressed to his lips, cutting him off. Jim hadn’t been expecting it, and bumped his nose against Bone’s cheek as he adjusted; Bones’ lips were warm and plush, brushing across his. Tentatively, he caught Jim’s lower lip between between his and sucked lightly. Jim’s mouth fell open, letting out a short breath that sounded more like a cry than anything else. 

 

Bones pulled back, one hand resting heavily on Jim’s neck in the crook before his shoulder, the other still clasped with Jim’s. “I know,” he said. 

 

Jim blinked at him stupidly, “huh?”

 

“I know that you’re sorry,” he rubbed the back of Jim’s hand with his thumb, “Let’s leave it in the past, a’right?”

 

“I really do love you, you know,” Jim admitted, pillowing himself against Bones’ chest. He was still trying to work his way through the overwhelming shame he felt, “even though I had to come to that conclusion in the shittiest way possible.”

 

“Kid, I forgive you,” Bones said holding him tight. After a pause he added emphatically,  “And I don’t want you to beat yourself up about it.”

 

Jim hummed thoughtfully against his chest, not allowing himself to vocalize a promise he wasn’t sure he’d be able to keep. They stayed on the floor, Bones propped against one of the table legs, for a while without speaking. Jim could hear the faint beat of Bones’ heart against his ear. He decided that, at least for this moment, he would let himself believe that everything was going to be okay. 

 

“Say it again,” Bones said into the silence. 

 

“Hmm?” Jim questioned, glancing up at him.

 

“Tell me again Jim,” Bones insisted, murmuring into his hair

 

Jim allowed his lips to turn up in a tiny smile, “I love you.”

 

Bones angled down to kiss him again. It was chaste and sweet, but Bones cut it short, straightening back up, something playful crossed his eyes, “How much?”

 

“What?” Jim wasn’t sure where this was going. His stomach twisted, maybe this whole thing had been some kind of trick and now Bones was going to make him do something for retribution. That didn’t seem very much like Bones, but he was emotionally drained and on the edge of complete panic.

 

“How much do you love me?” Bones asked again. 

 

Jim blanched, anxiety must have flashed across his face. His words were frantic, “So much Bones, I—”

 

Then Bones pressed a finger to Jim’s lips before he could talk himself into a fit, the glint fading from his eyes.  “Sorry darlin’, I should have known you weren’t up for joking yet.” He petted Jim’s hair softly, trying to quell his panic, “I was going to ask if you loved me enough to let me move us off this damn floor. I didn’t mean to upset you, Jim, that’s on me.” 

 

Jim let his heartbeat even back out as his neurosis subsided. His knuckles gained color back as he loosened his grip on Bones’ shirt. He was such a mess, that it really as almost laughable. 

 

A few moments passed before Bones said, “But really Jim, I’ll _carry_ you to the bed, the couch—wherever you want to go—if you let me up. I’m too old for the floor.”

 

“Really Bones?” Jim started, smiling, he could feel his usual tone creeping back into his voice, “You’re too old for the floor but you’re not too old to carry me to the planetarium?” 

 

“Why in damnation would I carry you to the planetarium?” Bones grimaced.  

 

“You said wherever I wanted to go,” Jim maintained with faux innocence. 

 

Bones laughed, his whole chest shaking, and Jim thought it was probably his favorite sound in the universe.

 

“The bed would be good,” Jim said, making to get up. If he was being honest with himself, he wasn’t particularly fond of the floor either. 

 

Bones stood up, stretching briefly before bending down and scooping Jim up. 

 

“Shit, _shit!_ Bones! Oh my god!” Jim shrieked, marveling that Bones had actually picked him up and was managing to carry him to the bedroom. 

 

“I’m good to my word Jim, ‘wouldn’t have offered if I couldn’t deliver.” Bones gingerly sat on the bed and lowered Jim down, his back cracking when he rolled his shoulders afterward. He leaned in to kiss Jim again, it was harder ,with Bones’ usual rough edge, more teeth and tongue than gentle pressing, and Jim relished it. It felt like _them_ instead of Bones making sure Jim wasn’t going to break. 

 

Jim pulled away, breathing uneven, he twinned his fingers absently with Bones’. “Don’t you have something else to do today?” He asked hesitantly, Bones shouldn’t have to put his life on hold to deal with Jim’s shit all day if he had somewhere to be, but he really wanted him to stay.

 

“Tryin’ to get rid of me already, kid?” Bones chuckled, stretching himself out next to Jim. 

 

“No! Fuck no, I just…it’s not fair if I’m keeping you from something important.”

 

“You _are_ my something important.”

**Author's Note:**

> The one thing I wanted to go into, but couldn't find a good place to elaborate on, was the dub-con situation of the threesome and how Jim probably wanted out right after he'd agreed to it. Jim and I talked, and I'm positive he didn't enjoy it one bit, just so you all know. That is to say, if he'd been with anyone besides complete strangers, even someone he only knew even a little, they'd have known he really didn't want to go through with it.
> 
> They obviously have more to talk about, more to work out, but Bones decided that Jim needed to know how much he really cared for him firstly. 
> 
>  
> 
> Comments/critiques are always appreciated! <3


End file.
